I like to listen to sad songs

They remind me of where I’ve been

And where I’ll probably go again

But just as the song always ends

So will the despondence

My Year With Prozac

My Year with Prozac:

(This is kind of a big deal for me to share but stepping out of my comfort zone has been the theme lately)

Around this time last year, I was really having a rough go of it. I’ll spare you specifics but I wasn’t the belle of the ball. It wasn’t the first time but it was the first time I decided I had had enough of drowning within myself.

So I asked for help.

And in seeking that help it was discovered that in my brain, coursing around my body, I had too much of one thing and not enough of another.

So on this day exactly one year ago, I held a little pill, half blue and half white.

I stood there, half with fear and half with hope.

And I took it that day. And the next. And at first, it robbed me of my energy and appetite. My focus and passions. It seemingly made me a little worse for a little while.

But out of moves, I took it. Day after day.

Until one day, I touched the surface of the water. I got stronger.

My fingertips brushed the air for the first time in a long time.

Pretty soon, my head was above the waves. They were rocky but I could breathe. And slowly I began to tread water.

I steadily became strong enough to deal with the “too much” while I got help with the “not enough.”

I became more balanced.

Am I balanced every single day? No.

Do I still have my down days? Anxious thoughts that can wreak havoc?

Yes. I probably always will. Sometimes the waves are choppy. And that’s okay.

It’s all part of growing. To keep going. Saying “and.” This year has taught me so much. This life is worth every breath we take.

Here’s to a year of change.

#endthestigma #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #prozac #serotonin #tattoo

Fog

I feel it creeping up, staring at me out of the corner of my eye

I smile but feel the weight of the muscles I pull on in an attempt to push the mist away

It remains

Just yesterday a friend said I was glowing and I wonder: will I still glow in the dark?

Tectonic Place

Every man is an island.

Sun rays dance on the sands of silence

The glowing grace of the artful absence

of other souls and senseless madness

Until the light begins to fade

Broken bits that once fit all drift away

The illusion of peace at once decays

giving way to an untethered terrain

Inner

Inner

Maybe I like being haunted sometimes

Peace isn’t always the most capturing story to tell

There’s something about spilling your demons

Pouring them on paper, further away from you

Where they can’t touch you

Sharing them with others

Thinking they might play well together

Fog

I feel it creeping up, staring at me out of the corner of my eye

I smile but feel the weight of the muscles I pull on in an attempt to push the mist away

It remains

Just yesterday a friend said I was glowing and I wonder: will I still glow in the dark?

Part II: Off to a Land of White Coats

Wired clamps and a gown

Five hours of blood tests drawn

Beeping ekgs and medical noises

Referred to an expert

My valves and arteries

Are anatomically examined

I walk then jog then huff and puff

On a treadmill to get blood going

And for seven days, the behavior

Of my red and suspicious organ

Is examined and recorded

I see a white coat once more

I wonder what’s occurring within

Beneath the surface of my skin

He tells me what I’ve waited for

It’s all in my head; a civil war

My brain is deceivingly to blame

And my heart is healthfully innocent